Observation: Life is full of tragedies. It’s not a matter of if they will happen, or even when because they are constant and innumerable. The constant nature of these melodramas doesn’t negate their profundity. The solution for survival isn’t numbness or insensitivity. I think it’s the opposite. To feel every pin prick, every soul swallowing deluge, every inch of them fully and wholly. Let them devastate and drain you to completion. Because if so much of life is this pain, it is the most vivid and alive feeling we are allowed on a regular basis. It s the most human we can be, and in it we can find camaraderie with the entirety of the human race. Happiness, satisfaction, fulfillment, satiety: those are the rarities. But I don’t see this as a depressing of hopeless observation about life. Apathetic: it’s merely an observation. Because while I can rationally say that fear and isolation and loneliness- the products of tragedy are in many ways the most shared human experience one can have, and as important as good feelings, I also know that that in no way makes those feelings any less earth shattering.

Unrelated: I find myself drawn to movies with sadness in them lately. I find the saddest things to come from everyday type of tragedies. Namely, somewhat mundane relationships-gone-bad type of pictures. Clearly, I’ve been in those situations myself and it therefore brings back vivid images and feelings. But I CHOSE those films, knowing that the very best they could do, would be to make me feel pain. I’m becoming an emotional masochist. But I’m not the only one, melodrama has always been demanded by audiences, it’s its own genre. I think I’ve figured out why I’m obsessed with them, and why the ones that most closely mirror my own experiences and personality are so engrossing. Catharsis right? Closure I guess would be another word for it. But the idea of hurting oneself again in a similar fashion to a more enormous blow, and then somehow to project the healing from the smaller wound onto the healing for the larger, but what are the other applications? We’re not unfamiliar with the concept in America, “whatever doesn’t kill you…” but what about our psychology makes this work? How did this evolve? But more importantly, how can I use this method of repair and recovery in other aspects of my life?

I embrace feelings too much sometimes I think. I allow myself to feel an inappropriate amount for everyone and everything. I wonder where that came from? You should think that that unconditional love thing would be great, but I’m pretty indiscriminate. If I get to know someone and we share some part of our lives with one another, boom I love them- unconditionally. I think about them constantly, want to see them, talk to them, know if they need anything and how I could help. Friends, lovers, I’m a doormat by choice. I think this is relatively new, like within the last year or so. What changed me, and how can I change it back. Loving without choice or reason and logic is completely and utterly draining and not good for my social life. No one wants to be with someone that loves them more than they love the other person. Neither friends nor lovers. I want to see if the new therapist might have advice for that one. I’m not naïve, far from it- maybe I’ve come to terms with so the innate flaw of humans so thoroughly that there is no amount of personal abuse they could inflict on me that I wouldn’t forgive. Despite repeated infractions. I’m rife for being taken advantage of and am sometimes, and even that, I forgive. Sigh.

I hate not sleeping.