Is about where I'm at right now. Just rolled into the old haunt. Not exhausted, just sick. I don't like staying up late for that reason- I just feel like absolute shit. About everything, myself, my life, in general. Night is not generally a good time for me- too quiet, too much time to think, and feel.
Note to self: opportunities for uninterrupted ruminations, are dangerous to people with mental health issues.
I'm sick, thinking about things I have no business still thinking about. And then the guilt from thinking those thoughts, makes me feel like even more intensely like... like a degradation of crap. I just want to carve out, to rip out, to disembowel my very being of these memories, of this sickness. I hate that I can't be stronger than I thought I was, and just do that- I'm pathetic and I hate myself for it, but that was it, in terms of my time up till' now. The alpha omega. You never really gave a fuck about me to begin with, but I foolishly believed that bullshit, and you messed my up pretty damn thoroughly. So thanks, it wasn't enough you had to break my already shattered being into oblivion, but the further humiliation of walking into another's arms without a cares notice. Awesome.
No worries, no haterz here, just hurt, deep soul crushing hurt that is keeping me from actually connecting with the myriad of other, actually decent and honest people who I've been seeing and actually manage to treat me with dignity. So more than anything, I just hate that I feel like the residue of you, taints me...
Your insipid poison, leaks into my every pore and make sharp slices, appealing, all the more.
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