Adios London

Last few hours in Londontown. Finally time to reflect.

I've had such an amazing experience here I can even begin to articulate it, maybe I will be able to later, but for now I can only say these few things.

What are the chances that we meet the individuals that radically shake up our very concepts of existence? What if these things, are both the most wonderful and the most horrible we've ever experienced? What then? Do we denigrate an experience for the negatives, or relish it for the positive?

The opposite of happiness, elation, bliss, isn't pain, sadness, anguish; it's emptiness, nothingness, void. I would rather spend a lifetime in the state I'm in, feeling as intensely and passionately about life and love as I do, then even a minute more of the numbness I've experienced.

I sit here, lump in my throat, trying in some vain hope to be able to encapsulate even a sliver of my state, and I'm failing, so I think I must bid adieu.

To anyone that actually reads this, Blogging is going to be more frequent this summer and back on theme now that I'm headed back to real life. But I'm going to decompress first. No friends, no "out", just me, alone, at home. Until the reverse culture shock wanes a bit at least.

It's based on the fact; not the concept.

Babies are getting married. Nothing more frightening than tuning into the latest Facebook newsfeed scroll to see, "so-and-so is now MARRIED." And these aren't like, your friends aunt, that friended you that one time, your friend lost their cell phone for a week and they needed to get a hold of them, so they friended you because that loser was crashing on your couch for a month and only was available via contact, through borrowing YOUR computer and even started giving out YOUR cell hones number to people telling them "to just ask for me. NO it's no problem at all!"
Unrelated.

So now, you log on to see the latest scandalamorous pictures that you were tagged in on your last night out and what should you see in your blurry, hungover state- but that one, bone-chilling word: MARRIED. Upon closer investigation it's usually a decision undertaken haphazardly by two of your dopey friends who thought it would be funny to be married with regards to the vast network of tubes, otherwise known as the interweb. But more and more often, it's becominga legitimate declaration of legally binding contracts with the state between "that weird couple from your high school."

Now some people may cal me a skeptic for being highly doubtful of the future security and success of these unions, I prefer, not blindingly ignorant. Don't get me wrong, I really do believe in marriage- how else are you going to get someone to stay with you when the wrinkles set in and all your good parts start to lose their flare? Answer: legal contract. But these people tying the knot now, are not even old enough to have a glass of champagne at their wedding receptions without serious risk of reciprocity.

Why not wait? I can't help but think of all the opportunities and experiences these people are giving up. I don't think they're foolish or unintelligent, they're clearly just VERY in love. The problem with being VERY in love when your 20 years old, is just that, VERY in love at 20, most likely will not feel the same as being 25 and never having dated another human being seriously EVER, or hell, even known who you are without this other person to define you.

If this doesn't end up being very coherent, I apologize. I am basically functioning on shots of espresso, Black currant "Lemsip" and am at the moment, filled with a pretty gargantuan dose of tranquilizers (cocktail of seroquel, lunesta and xanex to be exact) so my thoughts and hand-eye coordination may not be their sharpest. "She says she loves me, but the Valium rattles so I don't trust her."

I'm REALLY starting to enjoy London. It took about a month for me to really feel at home and comfortable here, but now, I am finally taking advantage of all the great things this city has to offer. A live music freak such as myself, is in heaven with all the great shows that are constantly occuring throughout the central district. Simian Mobile Disco last thursday was INSANE. Sooooooo amazing. An the general ability to hang out in neat places, with interesting people, is just so refreshing compared to so many years of living just outside of major cities. Location, location, location.

This IS reading week at King's but lucky me, War Studies doesn't observe it, so I still have that class this week and therefore couldn't travel anywhere. Ah well, I also have two sizable papers due on the monday following so it's probably best I stayed and worked on those. I have a month to travel before exams after the 27th of March so I suppose I can hold back and take advantage of this lovely town.

Other than that, life's the standard drawl. Oscar's coming up. My picks: Fincher for best director, Milk for Best Picture. The rest is a wash. Don't think it will pan out that way (fucking slumdog millionaire) but a girl can dream.

Any of you that actually read this: WRITE ME. I love to hear about your lives, and I certainly have the time to keep up with all of your emails (if you EVER send them).

LOVIN YOU ALL,

Smellsey

Why I Love Kitchen Nightmares: A Brief Essay

It. Fucking. Rocks.

I want to go to there...

Tra-la-la-la-la. So I'm in London now. People assume that means my life is completely different and exciting. But that would I assume that I too am completely changing into an exciting and interesting person. Personality overwhelms location. I make london about as boring as me.

Not wallowing, still nice to be large city adjacent, at least OFFERS more options, even if I don't take advantage of them. I've been bored out of my mind waiting for classes to start, which thankfully they do on monday! i'm embarrassingly excited about them.

Example of my lameness: last night after two drinks in Camden, I bailed for a falafel wrap and my bed, and don't regret it for an instant. Fatty that I am, I have been food obsessed here cause I have to cook for myself. I eat A LOT of junk food. Mostly this "sweet" popcorn they have. It's like Kettlecorn but better. I am also eating a fruit which I bought at the corner stand, which is boggling my mind. It's like a cross between a pear and an apple...

All of you at home who may be reading this, I miss you all. I really do. Traveling and being transient makes me appreciate even more than I already do, how wonderful all of my friends are. I'm so glad you all are part of my lives. Please message and instant message me all the time, I want to know the happenings in your lives, because mine is quite uneventful, untrue as that may seem.

Anyway enough with the sappy stuff, I've been watching a lot of TV online. Mighty Boosh, Dexter, Daria, Masterchef (British Top Chef) Always Sunny, the Office, etc.

I'm DONE with obligatory sight seeing. I've had it! I don't like just looking at things! I know, i know, it's different in person- right! It takes a bitch amount of time to get there, fight crowds and catch unflattering angles of great sites in history. I just don't think I should feel obligated by society to see these things in person, but eff you society, just like you make me feel cannibalism is "wrong".

Anyway, I don't thin I'm going to do much more, and photos, those I feel even MORE obligated to do, and I'm having to fight every fiber of my being. Maybe I'll get better later. I'm hoping...

I'm boring. Message me loves.

Deck the halls, with pessimistic skepticism

I adore Jewish food. And the cooking of it. But more than that I adore the tradition of religion in general. People have the common misconception that atheists hate religion, and religious believers. Not true. Or at least not in my case. Not only do have a great respect for religious faith and certainty, I'm incredibly jealous.

I would love to believe that some greater power controls my miserable life. I don't, but it would be nice to force the blame of this train wreck on someone else, wouldn't it?

But on an entirely more superficial level, I just miss the ritual. Getting up early on Sunday mornings, and holidays and putting on decently professional/appropriate attire to heave yourself into the family car and sit uncomfortably for an hour- rising on occasion to chant the monotonous tones of the hymns, you don't actually need the Hymnal's to recite. It sounds grim, and it might have been at the time, but retrospect makes everything more palatable. Church itself- never all that important, but the time spent giggling silently about inside jokes passed between my family members during service and the uproarious discussions at brunch afterward- nostalgia.

Americana was my childhood. Label me what you want, but know this, I appreciated fully every moment of my ever-so-traditional upbringing. I'm living the American Dream, and I'm thankful everyday of my luck. My family is incredible and the sole reason for my privileged life. Genuinely. I am blessed, despite my lack of belief in a higher power- I know the lot in life I drew, is far greater than my own worth. So thank you, universe. It's not gone unnoticed, how incredible you've been to me.

But here it is, Christmas, and I just want the traditional family gathering. When you just spent the holiday drinking and watching Always Sunny in Philadelphia episodes, perforated with the occasional Mighty Boosh, there's not much to complain about, but I miss the extended family sometimes. And the big holiday celebration. I know I have what most people dream of, and for the large part, I'm not discontented either, but when I spend all year alone at school, I want the tradition I lost when I gave up my faith.

A blood relative to replace a spiritual one.

Boo hoo, lucky white girl!

Alas, so I saw Doubt today. Liked it a lot. Nice composition. Unbelievable performances by the entire cast, slightly bogged down in setup, but the ending seemed appropriate. The conflict somewhat short lived.

Also, Blagoyevich can eat shit. Corrupt bastard.

Call me loves, London is not far away and I miss you all already.

Quaaludes and long distance drives.

Is about where I'm at right now. Just rolled into the old haunt. Not exhausted, just sick. I don't like staying up late for that reason- I just feel like absolute shit. About everything, myself, my life, in general. Night is not generally a good time for me- too quiet, too much time to think, and feel.

Note to self: opportunities for uninterrupted ruminations, are dangerous to people with mental health issues.

I'm sick, thinking about things I have no business still thinking about. And then the guilt from thinking those thoughts, makes me feel like even more intensely like... like a degradation of crap. I just want to carve out, to rip out, to disembowel my very being of these memories, of this sickness. I hate that I can't be stronger than I thought I was, and just do that- I'm pathetic and I hate myself for it, but that was it, in terms of my time up till' now. The alpha omega. You never really gave a fuck about me to begin with, but I foolishly believed that bullshit, and you messed my up pretty damn thoroughly. So thanks, it wasn't enough you had to break my already shattered being into oblivion, but the further humiliation of walking into another's arms without a cares notice. Awesome.

No worries, no haterz here, just hurt, deep soul crushing hurt that is keeping me from actually connecting with the myriad of other, actually decent and honest people who I've been seeing and actually manage to treat me with dignity. So more than anything, I just hate that I feel like the residue of you, taints me...





Your insipid poison, leaks into my every pore and make sharp slices, appealing, all the more.

You have broken me all the way down.

You'll be the last; you'll see.

Pain is such a complicated emotion. By definition:
–noun

1.	physical suffering or distress, as due to injury, illness, etc.

2.	a distressing sensation in a particular part of the body: a back pain.

3.	mental or emotional suffering or torment: I am sorry my news causes you such pain.

I think this is pitifully inadequate, Webster's... Pain is humanizing, leveling, grounding. It's our grasp of reality. Think about it. Whenever things are too wonderful, too easy, too pain-free, they become surreal- unbelievable. "Pinch me. I must be dreaming."

So it can't be all bad can it? With no suffering, there is no happiness. Relativity is the basis of "realism," right?

Melancholy, morose, malaise..., real, true, accurate. Happiness is great, and necessary and worth striving for- but it's not the stasis of our being. Were it to be, there would be no feeling of elation, because that would be the norm- unremarkable.









When your mind's made up, there's no point trying to change it. When your mind's made up, there's no point even talking. When your mind's made up, there's no point in even, trying to change it.