Deck the halls, with pessimistic skepticism

I adore Jewish food. And the cooking of it. But more than that I adore the tradition of religion in general. People have the common misconception that atheists hate religion, and religious believers. Not true. Or at least not in my case. Not only do have a great respect for religious faith and certainty, I'm incredibly jealous.

I would love to believe that some greater power controls my miserable life. I don't, but it would be nice to force the blame of this train wreck on someone else, wouldn't it?

But on an entirely more superficial level, I just miss the ritual. Getting up early on Sunday mornings, and holidays and putting on decently professional/appropriate attire to heave yourself into the family car and sit uncomfortably for an hour- rising on occasion to chant the monotonous tones of the hymns, you don't actually need the Hymnal's to recite. It sounds grim, and it might have been at the time, but retrospect makes everything more palatable. Church itself- never all that important, but the time spent giggling silently about inside jokes passed between my family members during service and the uproarious discussions at brunch afterward- nostalgia.

Americana was my childhood. Label me what you want, but know this, I appreciated fully every moment of my ever-so-traditional upbringing. I'm living the American Dream, and I'm thankful everyday of my luck. My family is incredible and the sole reason for my privileged life. Genuinely. I am blessed, despite my lack of belief in a higher power- I know the lot in life I drew, is far greater than my own worth. So thank you, universe. It's not gone unnoticed, how incredible you've been to me.

But here it is, Christmas, and I just want the traditional family gathering. When you just spent the holiday drinking and watching Always Sunny in Philadelphia episodes, perforated with the occasional Mighty Boosh, there's not much to complain about, but I miss the extended family sometimes. And the big holiday celebration. I know I have what most people dream of, and for the large part, I'm not discontented either, but when I spend all year alone at school, I want the tradition I lost when I gave up my faith.

A blood relative to replace a spiritual one.

Boo hoo, lucky white girl!

Alas, so I saw Doubt today. Liked it a lot. Nice composition. Unbelievable performances by the entire cast, slightly bogged down in setup, but the ending seemed appropriate. The conflict somewhat short lived.

Also, Blagoyevich can eat shit. Corrupt bastard.

Call me loves, London is not far away and I miss you all already.

Quaaludes and long distance drives.

Is about where I'm at right now. Just rolled into the old haunt. Not exhausted, just sick. I don't like staying up late for that reason- I just feel like absolute shit. About everything, myself, my life, in general. Night is not generally a good time for me- too quiet, too much time to think, and feel.

Note to self: opportunities for uninterrupted ruminations, are dangerous to people with mental health issues.

I'm sick, thinking about things I have no business still thinking about. And then the guilt from thinking those thoughts, makes me feel like even more intensely like... like a degradation of crap. I just want to carve out, to rip out, to disembowel my very being of these memories, of this sickness. I hate that I can't be stronger than I thought I was, and just do that- I'm pathetic and I hate myself for it, but that was it, in terms of my time up till' now. The alpha omega. You never really gave a fuck about me to begin with, but I foolishly believed that bullshit, and you messed my up pretty damn thoroughly. So thanks, it wasn't enough you had to break my already shattered being into oblivion, but the further humiliation of walking into another's arms without a cares notice. Awesome.

No worries, no haterz here, just hurt, deep soul crushing hurt that is keeping me from actually connecting with the myriad of other, actually decent and honest people who I've been seeing and actually manage to treat me with dignity. So more than anything, I just hate that I feel like the residue of you, taints me...





Your insipid poison, leaks into my every pore and make sharp slices, appealing, all the more.

You have broken me all the way down.

You'll be the last; you'll see.

Pain is such a complicated emotion. By definition:
–noun

1.	physical suffering or distress, as due to injury, illness, etc.

2.	a distressing sensation in a particular part of the body: a back pain.

3.	mental or emotional suffering or torment: I am sorry my news causes you such pain.

I think this is pitifully inadequate, Webster's... Pain is humanizing, leveling, grounding. It's our grasp of reality. Think about it. Whenever things are too wonderful, too easy, too pain-free, they become surreal- unbelievable. "Pinch me. I must be dreaming."

So it can't be all bad can it? With no suffering, there is no happiness. Relativity is the basis of "realism," right?

Melancholy, morose, malaise..., real, true, accurate. Happiness is great, and necessary and worth striving for- but it's not the stasis of our being. Were it to be, there would be no feeling of elation, because that would be the norm- unremarkable.









When your mind's made up, there's no point trying to change it. When your mind's made up, there's no point even talking. When your mind's made up, there's no point in even, trying to change it.

Meta THIS Kaufman!

Happy Thanksgiving, my dear readership! I hope yours was as adorably Americana as my own.

I most definitely had a cake shaped like a Turkey, cause I fell in love with it. Food that appears to be other food, is a particular fancy of mine. Read into that how you like; "I prefer delusions over reality," "identity crises galore," etc. But damnit, a cupcake made to look like a game hen, is just more tasty!

Anyway, enough about my strange food fetishes. Synecdoche, New York. Just got back. Just had my life reexamined.

Loved it. Loved it. Possibly one of my new favorites. Loved it.

Granted, I'm sure the afterglow of the film will fade with a little shelf time, but at this point, so early in my return from the cinema, I'll bask where and when I can, thank you very much. Kaufman is my soul mate. My self-loathing, desperately lonely, hypochondriac, physically repulsive soul mate. Seriously, the entirety of his work seems to be a simulacrum of my own interior monologue.

Synecdoche, unlike his past films, (Malcovich and Adapation) is ALL Kaufman. Written and directed by, no mediation, no comprises. This is Kaufman at is very most pathetic and self-reflexive. Quick taste: Theater director (Philip Seymour Hoffman) wins a Macarthur, and chooses to create a play on a scale that encompasses life, truthfully and honestly as possible. His life, like all of his main characters is a shamble, aaaaaannnnddddd ACTION!

The film is impossible to describe, funny and smart, powerful and emotional, but more than anything else, entirely existential. I wish I could say more but it's incredibly difficult to put into words in all honesty, or at least, on paper.

So PLEASE friends and colleagues, see the film and call me to talk about it. You would make my month, and do yourself the favor of having seen it.

That's it for now, I'll probably check back in tomorrow, when I've slept on it a tad and to get some post-holiday reflection and malaise out of my system.

Love,
Your biggest fan.

Walking by myself, down avenues; I reek of time to kill.

Election fever is loosening it's vice-like grip on my soul. NOT. I'm serious. I mean, I know everyone else is starting to gradually lose interest, but this here politico, doesn't see that happening any time soon. I suppose when you're going to work for a pollster in DC next fall, that's probably a good thing. But either way, I'm quickly running out of fellow souls with whom to gossip politics (thank god for you, Prof. Lendler- the only other person I know as nerdy about this stuff as I am).

So i'll break it down like I usually do folks- Politics/Movies.

Breaking News!!! Alaska DOESN'T want a convicted criminal to represent their state in Senate!? That is soooo bizarre. Who do these people think they are? Part of the contiguous 48. Pssssh! Go helicopter down large game, that's the way we like you Alaska- like my crazy Uncle Grizz that illegally pilots a plane and puts on firework displays. Insane, but in that eccentric, borderline dangerous and unbalanced way- but always a worth a laugh. Seriously, though, yay for Begich. One more dem. to add to the pile-on. Suck it Reid.

Minnesota. "We're not Florida." Less old people; they can't outrun our wolves.

Gonzalez and Cheney indicted! There IS a god. Jesus, took them long enough. Can't wait to see that idiot go down in flames. He might get convicted of some prison abuse involvement and financial support, but that's what presidential pardons were made for right!?

I saw Solace of course. Midnight showing. Awesome. Loved it. No need to recommend or summarize for you. You knew decades ago if you were going to see this movie.

I also, somewhat spur of the moment, saw Mike Leigh's new film, Happy Go-Lucky. I didn't know anything about it going into it- always bodes well for a film's receptivity, in my opinion- and loved it. Completely character driven narrative, slice-of-life biopic. The acting was superb as usual under Leigh's direction and the various plenary of eccentric cast members made the lack of plot, unnoticeable and frankly, a smart move on Leigh's part. Why tell a story when the people are too interesting to care about anything else? So I see you at home, on your computer, drooling over my every word, because, lets face it, if you're reading my blog, you probably have some deep-seeded longing to be/have me...right? Come on! I need this!!!

Well whatever, I like, don't even care what you think of me....
Unless, you like me. Cause then I care, a lot. But if you don't, it's totally unimportant.

So ANYWAY, there you are at home in front of your various media devices, wondering, well should I see this film? I mean, she likes, it, but she's pretty weird... would a normal person such as myself find it entertaining. All I can say is, yes, IF you like Mike Leigh. It is such a typical movie for him, that comparison to another would be inappropriate and uninformative. So all I can tell you, is: like Leigh, go; don't like Leigh, skip it.

Expostulation: The less work I do (schoolwork) the better grades I get. C'est la vie.

"Live your Life" T.I. feat. Rihanna, is the best pop song to come out this year. Efffing awesome. Girl Talk on the cover of NY Times website- wow, that's impressive.

XOXO

Winner-take-all

We won. For once.
Not that there was really any doubt that was going to happen, going into the polls yesterday. But hell, it was a wash across the board. A Conservative colonic, long over-due.
It hasn't sunk it yet; the true magnitude of this election.
I've spent, literally, my entire life on the losing side. We were the underdogs, but more specifically, I was.
Growing up in a largely republican high school and being friends with the only kids in the school nerdy enough to discuss politics at 13, I had spent my youth vehemently defending my candidates and my views. At the time it was frustrating and tiresome to always have to be the only one standing on my side, but in retrospect, I am forever grateful to all those pre-teen douche bags. If they hadn't been such thick-headed, vocal morons, I never would have had to learn exactly why I believe in every issue that I support. It wasn't enough to just like a candidate, when you're the party of change, and difference,(the burden of proof, as to why to break from the status quo) rests on you.
So I stand here today, and sincerely thank you, White Bear High School. So here's to you, hate mongering, conservative motherfuckers; wherever you are- be it jail, working at the Subway on Hgwy. 61, giving your self liver-damage at (insert name of shitty rural public school here) or, hell, just hangin' around town, living with your parents and smoking copious amounts of weed you bought from that middle school punk who lives across the street. You know that kid: short, van sneakers, about a buck-ten, you guys were in the same youth group at your church? That one.
Yes, all of you. You may have made my 13 year-old self cry on numerous occasions, and lose a little bit of her faith in humanity, but ultimately, you made me, me.
But, underdog, no longer; it will be strange to adjust to being the power party, but I think i'll survive.
No more blame game now, no more easy outs. Now, if things fuck-up, we're going to be the ones taking the heat. So don't pussy out Dem's! I know, I know, it's what your best at- but your the one's all about change, so live it. For once. WE got you the office; YOU get us the credibility to keep it.
Oh! and PS. Franken losing by a a couple hundred votes means I got my noose ready for a certain MN voter who didn't do his civic duty...

You're so Jaded.

It's Election Day already!? I had NO idea. Did you hear about this? Why didn't anyone tell me! I mean come on people, this is the most important, life or death, Armageddon or Utopia election the world- nay, the UNIVERSE has ever known, and will ever know until the end of recorded time.

Cynical? Yes. Unfounded cynicism? Not really. It's interesting to see all these peers suddenly so infatuated with politics. Democracy is the the "Uggs" of 2002. Except instead of having to see those damn things traipsing around in every possible venue, we now have to be bombarded by that same level of saturation confronting you at every possible opportunity to inquire into your registration status, and inevitably, whether or not you're cool enough to be voting for the next Savior of Humanity himself, Obama.
This is coming from a girl who supported Obama since his declaration of intention to run for the Presidency a year and a half ago. I'm no conciliatory Hilary convert, or Richardson idealist. Obama's been my candidate since day 1. But I think everyone needs to take a breath and put a little perspective on things.
I'm all for involvement in politics, in fact, it's one of my obsessions. I want to make it my career. And I've been involved in them to or at least followed them closely since the 2000 election. And yes, I was in 5th grade, but I remember standing up in my gym class one day to call out one of my classmates, who had mentioned that his parents were Bush supporters, in a rant that went something to the effect of, "honestly, what kind of morons WOULDN'T want nationalized healthcare."
Sounds made up, but go ahead and ask Mr. Larson, because he had to tell me to sit down and stop talking so we could get on with our explanation of the game we were playing that day.
Of course, everyone discounts political opinions at that age, because all kids are just, "saying they like whoever their parents do." Which is probably true. But that doesn't mean, that I didn't know specific statistics as to why my family and supported the candidates we did, or what social issues were deal breakers.
When Bush "won" that election, I was confused and angry. How could America choose someone that I knew was so completely wrong for the country? I remember staying up as late as I could to watch the returns come in, but I had school the next day, so eventually was forced to go to bed around 1 o'clock in the morning, not knowing who the winner was. When I woke up that day, it was like reverse Christmas. I opened eyes, and in that little catch-of-the-breath, skip-of-the-heartbeat, that always happened when you wake up to a day that has significance (we all know that feeling: christmas, your birthday, the first day of a new school year) I jumped up to ask my Dad, eating breakfast in the kitchen. "Who won!?" He just gave me this little half-hearted, 'Your youthful optimism is appreciated but ultimately useless', smile and said, "Bush won." I remember gasping out a sad, "No," and slumping into the chair across from him.
I noticed the news that was on the TV, and their discussion of Gore contesting the results in Florida, and saying, "it's not over Dad, look, they're gonna recount!" But he didn't change his stance, and told me that it wasn't going to change anything, they would lose the challenge. We all remember the next 9 days, or at least, those of us who actually know something about politics do. I of course, foolishly held out hope until the very instant the Supreme Court announced their split decision on Gore v. Bush, which would forever change how I thought about the political system.
As much as I believe in the power of the government and policies to affect change, I also understand that politics itself, is about winners and losers. It's strategy. And no matter how talented or qualified you are; no matter how many great ideas you have, none of it matters if you don't win the election. Fairness, and justice, mean nothing if you can't put that candidate in the seat.
So when the 2004 elections came around, I was ready to right the egregious wrongs of 2000. We had been robbed, but more than that, we'd had seen the error of our ways-Bush was incompetent and dangerous and now, we had a chance to stop him for good. It seemed so easy. Like all we would have to do would be to remind voters, "Remember? Bush is a idiot? He's made irreparable damage to our country?" Unfortunately, we had 9/11 and complacency to contend with. Democrats thought like I did, but to the point where the feeling of inevitability surrounding Bush's defeat kept them from getting the energy needed to motivate more active campaigning. This time I was 15, and damnit, I was going to campaign until my feet bled and my voice cracked. If Bush on again, how could our country possibly continue to persevere? We would no doubt implode into a war ravaged, Nascar-loving, misogynistic plutocracy from which we could never recover, right?
And so I did. And we lost. Again. And that was it. Now I got it. There was no nobility in running for office, no honor-code, nothing. You'd think this kind of heartbreak (and yes, I say heartbreak- I was 15 after all, drama was inevitable) would turn me off of political involvement permanently. But it didn't. Because the world continued to turn, no apocalyptic implosion, just mismanagement and detrimental policy inaction and creation. Bad, damaging, but not irreconcilable.
Which brings me to our current election. I'm still incredibly active in politics, I'm involved in campaigning for my candidates, I encourage people to vote, and when, on the off-chance, here at Smith I actually get the chance to discuss politics with people who disagree with me, I provide evidence and logic as to why I believe what I do, is the better choice. But I do so, with the kind of removal and perspective that can only come from having your first heartbreak under your belt. Even though, I do not believe that Obama will lose. If he did, it wouldn't be the end of the world. It would be politics.
And to all these folks that have jumped on the democracy bandwagon for the first time in their lives for this one- think about it this way: In 2004, we KNEW the damage that Bush did, we knew that if we lost, HE (not just another Republican) but the beast itself would be in power again, unhindered by a Democratic Congressional majority. The situation then, was seriously more desperate and grasping then this year, and we survived. Worse for the wear, but alive.
So, my hope is this: that all of the people that are so gung-ho about Obama, transfer and continue that dedication for politics as a whole in the future and don't just get wrapped up for this one election and then drop democracy like their favorite pair of Crocs, in a season or two. I know that's too grand of a request, and I have no doubt that this kind of intensity won't be sustained come midterms and don't think it has too- all I hope is that those people continue to follow the daily news, and vote.
For some of us, a lifetime of infatuation with the biggest game of strategy in the world is where our hearts and heads lead us, but for the rest, just remember this election as evidence of what electoral participation can do, and when that inevitable heartbreak happens and the bubble bursts- remember it. Keep voting, keep campaigning. Government is important, it impacts the world. But in 21st Century America, politics doesn't make or break existence.