Why I Love Kitchen Nightmares: A Brief Essay

It. Fucking. Rocks.

I want to go to there...

Tra-la-la-la-la. So I'm in London now. People assume that means my life is completely different and exciting. But that would I assume that I too am completely changing into an exciting and interesting person. Personality overwhelms location. I make london about as boring as me.

Not wallowing, still nice to be large city adjacent, at least OFFERS more options, even if I don't take advantage of them. I've been bored out of my mind waiting for classes to start, which thankfully they do on monday! i'm embarrassingly excited about them.

Example of my lameness: last night after two drinks in Camden, I bailed for a falafel wrap and my bed, and don't regret it for an instant. Fatty that I am, I have been food obsessed here cause I have to cook for myself. I eat A LOT of junk food. Mostly this "sweet" popcorn they have. It's like Kettlecorn but better. I am also eating a fruit which I bought at the corner stand, which is boggling my mind. It's like a cross between a pear and an apple...

All of you at home who may be reading this, I miss you all. I really do. Traveling and being transient makes me appreciate even more than I already do, how wonderful all of my friends are. I'm so glad you all are part of my lives. Please message and instant message me all the time, I want to know the happenings in your lives, because mine is quite uneventful, untrue as that may seem.

Anyway enough with the sappy stuff, I've been watching a lot of TV online. Mighty Boosh, Dexter, Daria, Masterchef (British Top Chef) Always Sunny, the Office, etc.

I'm DONE with obligatory sight seeing. I've had it! I don't like just looking at things! I know, i know, it's different in person- right! It takes a bitch amount of time to get there, fight crowds and catch unflattering angles of great sites in history. I just don't think I should feel obligated by society to see these things in person, but eff you society, just like you make me feel cannibalism is "wrong".

Anyway, I don't thin I'm going to do much more, and photos, those I feel even MORE obligated to do, and I'm having to fight every fiber of my being. Maybe I'll get better later. I'm hoping...

I'm boring. Message me loves.

Deck the halls, with pessimistic skepticism

I adore Jewish food. And the cooking of it. But more than that I adore the tradition of religion in general. People have the common misconception that atheists hate religion, and religious believers. Not true. Or at least not in my case. Not only do have a great respect for religious faith and certainty, I'm incredibly jealous.

I would love to believe that some greater power controls my miserable life. I don't, but it would be nice to force the blame of this train wreck on someone else, wouldn't it?

But on an entirely more superficial level, I just miss the ritual. Getting up early on Sunday mornings, and holidays and putting on decently professional/appropriate attire to heave yourself into the family car and sit uncomfortably for an hour- rising on occasion to chant the monotonous tones of the hymns, you don't actually need the Hymnal's to recite. It sounds grim, and it might have been at the time, but retrospect makes everything more palatable. Church itself- never all that important, but the time spent giggling silently about inside jokes passed between my family members during service and the uproarious discussions at brunch afterward- nostalgia.

Americana was my childhood. Label me what you want, but know this, I appreciated fully every moment of my ever-so-traditional upbringing. I'm living the American Dream, and I'm thankful everyday of my luck. My family is incredible and the sole reason for my privileged life. Genuinely. I am blessed, despite my lack of belief in a higher power- I know the lot in life I drew, is far greater than my own worth. So thank you, universe. It's not gone unnoticed, how incredible you've been to me.

But here it is, Christmas, and I just want the traditional family gathering. When you just spent the holiday drinking and watching Always Sunny in Philadelphia episodes, perforated with the occasional Mighty Boosh, there's not much to complain about, but I miss the extended family sometimes. And the big holiday celebration. I know I have what most people dream of, and for the large part, I'm not discontented either, but when I spend all year alone at school, I want the tradition I lost when I gave up my faith.

A blood relative to replace a spiritual one.

Boo hoo, lucky white girl!

Alas, so I saw Doubt today. Liked it a lot. Nice composition. Unbelievable performances by the entire cast, slightly bogged down in setup, but the ending seemed appropriate. The conflict somewhat short lived.

Also, Blagoyevich can eat shit. Corrupt bastard.

Call me loves, London is not far away and I miss you all already.

Quaaludes and long distance drives.

Is about where I'm at right now. Just rolled into the old haunt. Not exhausted, just sick. I don't like staying up late for that reason- I just feel like absolute shit. About everything, myself, my life, in general. Night is not generally a good time for me- too quiet, too much time to think, and feel.

Note to self: opportunities for uninterrupted ruminations, are dangerous to people with mental health issues.

I'm sick, thinking about things I have no business still thinking about. And then the guilt from thinking those thoughts, makes me feel like even more intensely like... like a degradation of crap. I just want to carve out, to rip out, to disembowel my very being of these memories, of this sickness. I hate that I can't be stronger than I thought I was, and just do that- I'm pathetic and I hate myself for it, but that was it, in terms of my time up till' now. The alpha omega. You never really gave a fuck about me to begin with, but I foolishly believed that bullshit, and you messed my up pretty damn thoroughly. So thanks, it wasn't enough you had to break my already shattered being into oblivion, but the further humiliation of walking into another's arms without a cares notice. Awesome.

No worries, no haterz here, just hurt, deep soul crushing hurt that is keeping me from actually connecting with the myriad of other, actually decent and honest people who I've been seeing and actually manage to treat me with dignity. So more than anything, I just hate that I feel like the residue of you, taints me...





Your insipid poison, leaks into my every pore and make sharp slices, appealing, all the more.

You have broken me all the way down.

You'll be the last; you'll see.

Pain is such a complicated emotion. By definition:
–noun

1.	physical suffering or distress, as due to injury, illness, etc.

2.	a distressing sensation in a particular part of the body: a back pain.

3.	mental or emotional suffering or torment: I am sorry my news causes you such pain.

I think this is pitifully inadequate, Webster's... Pain is humanizing, leveling, grounding. It's our grasp of reality. Think about it. Whenever things are too wonderful, too easy, too pain-free, they become surreal- unbelievable. "Pinch me. I must be dreaming."

So it can't be all bad can it? With no suffering, there is no happiness. Relativity is the basis of "realism," right?

Melancholy, morose, malaise..., real, true, accurate. Happiness is great, and necessary and worth striving for- but it's not the stasis of our being. Were it to be, there would be no feeling of elation, because that would be the norm- unremarkable.









When your mind's made up, there's no point trying to change it. When your mind's made up, there's no point even talking. When your mind's made up, there's no point in even, trying to change it.

Meta THIS Kaufman!

Happy Thanksgiving, my dear readership! I hope yours was as adorably Americana as my own.

I most definitely had a cake shaped like a Turkey, cause I fell in love with it. Food that appears to be other food, is a particular fancy of mine. Read into that how you like; "I prefer delusions over reality," "identity crises galore," etc. But damnit, a cupcake made to look like a game hen, is just more tasty!

Anyway, enough about my strange food fetishes. Synecdoche, New York. Just got back. Just had my life reexamined.

Loved it. Loved it. Possibly one of my new favorites. Loved it.

Granted, I'm sure the afterglow of the film will fade with a little shelf time, but at this point, so early in my return from the cinema, I'll bask where and when I can, thank you very much. Kaufman is my soul mate. My self-loathing, desperately lonely, hypochondriac, physically repulsive soul mate. Seriously, the entirety of his work seems to be a simulacrum of my own interior monologue.

Synecdoche, unlike his past films, (Malcovich and Adapation) is ALL Kaufman. Written and directed by, no mediation, no comprises. This is Kaufman at is very most pathetic and self-reflexive. Quick taste: Theater director (Philip Seymour Hoffman) wins a Macarthur, and chooses to create a play on a scale that encompasses life, truthfully and honestly as possible. His life, like all of his main characters is a shamble, aaaaaannnnddddd ACTION!

The film is impossible to describe, funny and smart, powerful and emotional, but more than anything else, entirely existential. I wish I could say more but it's incredibly difficult to put into words in all honesty, or at least, on paper.

So PLEASE friends and colleagues, see the film and call me to talk about it. You would make my month, and do yourself the favor of having seen it.

That's it for now, I'll probably check back in tomorrow, when I've slept on it a tad and to get some post-holiday reflection and malaise out of my system.

Love,
Your biggest fan.

Walking by myself, down avenues; I reek of time to kill.

Election fever is loosening it's vice-like grip on my soul. NOT. I'm serious. I mean, I know everyone else is starting to gradually lose interest, but this here politico, doesn't see that happening any time soon. I suppose when you're going to work for a pollster in DC next fall, that's probably a good thing. But either way, I'm quickly running out of fellow souls with whom to gossip politics (thank god for you, Prof. Lendler- the only other person I know as nerdy about this stuff as I am).

So i'll break it down like I usually do folks- Politics/Movies.

Breaking News!!! Alaska DOESN'T want a convicted criminal to represent their state in Senate!? That is soooo bizarre. Who do these people think they are? Part of the contiguous 48. Pssssh! Go helicopter down large game, that's the way we like you Alaska- like my crazy Uncle Grizz that illegally pilots a plane and puts on firework displays. Insane, but in that eccentric, borderline dangerous and unbalanced way- but always a worth a laugh. Seriously, though, yay for Begich. One more dem. to add to the pile-on. Suck it Reid.

Minnesota. "We're not Florida." Less old people; they can't outrun our wolves.

Gonzalez and Cheney indicted! There IS a god. Jesus, took them long enough. Can't wait to see that idiot go down in flames. He might get convicted of some prison abuse involvement and financial support, but that's what presidential pardons were made for right!?

I saw Solace of course. Midnight showing. Awesome. Loved it. No need to recommend or summarize for you. You knew decades ago if you were going to see this movie.

I also, somewhat spur of the moment, saw Mike Leigh's new film, Happy Go-Lucky. I didn't know anything about it going into it- always bodes well for a film's receptivity, in my opinion- and loved it. Completely character driven narrative, slice-of-life biopic. The acting was superb as usual under Leigh's direction and the various plenary of eccentric cast members made the lack of plot, unnoticeable and frankly, a smart move on Leigh's part. Why tell a story when the people are too interesting to care about anything else? So I see you at home, on your computer, drooling over my every word, because, lets face it, if you're reading my blog, you probably have some deep-seeded longing to be/have me...right? Come on! I need this!!!

Well whatever, I like, don't even care what you think of me....
Unless, you like me. Cause then I care, a lot. But if you don't, it's totally unimportant.

So ANYWAY, there you are at home in front of your various media devices, wondering, well should I see this film? I mean, she likes, it, but she's pretty weird... would a normal person such as myself find it entertaining. All I can say is, yes, IF you like Mike Leigh. It is such a typical movie for him, that comparison to another would be inappropriate and uninformative. So all I can tell you, is: like Leigh, go; don't like Leigh, skip it.

Expostulation: The less work I do (schoolwork) the better grades I get. C'est la vie.

"Live your Life" T.I. feat. Rihanna, is the best pop song to come out this year. Efffing awesome. Girl Talk on the cover of NY Times website- wow, that's impressive.

XOXO